A colleague of mine just got married yesterday. She's changing her family name to Ramirez. She's not the only one among the people I know who now has a different surname. I see it on Facebook everyday- friends, former officemates, high school classmates, and college buddies, writing hyphens after their surnames followed by their new husband's family name. Wedding pictures, details of christening ceremonies, videos of some baby's first steps are all over the news feed.
A few days ago, a former student of mine happily shared the news that she's now working as a chef in New Zealand after finishing a one-year culinary course. It seems to me like it was just yesterday when she would frequent my office to help her make some decisions regarding her choice of undergraduate course. Another student just sent me a message that he passed the board exams for engineers. He now has the title "Engr." attached to his name.
Hearing about the recent developments in other people's lives somehow makes me feel...stuck. Everyone is going somewhere, but me, I'm still where I was when I first started nursery school: at the backstage of a ballet recital in my ballerina costume, peering behind the stage curtains to watch my peers perform, lacking the bravery to go out there and face the crowd.
I just handed in my resignation letter a couple of days ago. Though I like the work that I did, I felt like I was being too comfortable with where I was and was no longer growing as a person.
So now I have no job, no hyphen to my surname, and certainly no kids (I never want to have any, which is different story altogether). I am not bothered about this. I'm just saying that my life, it seems, is at a standstill. I'm standing at a corner in my ballerina costume while everybody else is caught up in the excitement of performing in a dance.
When an elderly co-worker, who is like a mother to all of the younger ones in my place of work, learned that I'm leaving, told me: "You're doing so many things, you have a lot of involvements, but you're going nowhere." It was only then that I realized that my life's compass has seriously gone awry.
Is there something terribly wrong with me that I am not the least bit bothered about what my co-worker told me? I guess I have subscribed to the idea that "Life is not about the destination, but the journey." I might be a little lost right now, but I've decided that it's okay. I'll make sure to enjoy the scenery and the people I meet along the way. What's important is the HOW of life, not the WHAT. Emma Morley, a character in a novel called "One Day" written by David Nicholls which I've recently finished reading, puts it this way:
"What are you going to do with your life?" In one way or another it seemed that people had been asking her this forever; teachers, her parents, friends at three in the morning, but the question had never seemed this pressing and still she was no nearer an answer... "Live each day as if it's your last', that was the conventional advice, but really, who had the energy for that? What if it rained or you felt a bit glandy? It just wasn't practical. Better by far to be good and courageous and bold and to make difference. Not change the world exactly, but the bit around you. Go out there with your passion and you relectric typewriter and work hard at...something. Change lives through art maybe.Cherish your friends, stay true to your principles, live passionately and fully and well. Experience new things. Love and be loved, if you ever get the chance."
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