My Beauty Secret

Apparently, I used to be “pangit”.

Why did I say this?

I recently got employed at the school where I went for college and when I run into people I knew way back when I was a neurotic student sleepwalking through life in my green-skirt-and-white top uniform they would usually remark, “ang ganda mo na!”  Some of these people are my former professors and clerks from some offices. I’m afraid to ask, how pangit was I?

But I’d like to believe I was not pangit, I was simply depressed. I mean, who would still manage to be pretty if one has dark circles under her eyes, and it’s not because of staying up late to do homework but because you can’t make the voices in your head shut up? Do you think that someone would radiate beauty if she worries constantly and obsessively about the little things like what to wear on no-uniform Saturdays?

So what happened between the then (neurotic student sleepwalking through life) and the now (“ang ganda mo na!”)? No I didn’t undergo any cosmetic surgery. I didn’t lose weight (in fact, I gained a lot after college). What happened was that I accepted that I was clinically depressed and sought professional help. Aside from that, I meditate daily and go for regular massage therapy. Both practices have silenced my mental chatter and greatly improved my well-being.  I have become less angry about a lot of things like the circumstances of my life that I used to think were less favorable than some of my friends, the people who have disappointed me, and my genes that are responsible for my personality traits that I perceive as liabilities. To paraphrase the author Elizabeth Gilbert, I have learned to gracefully accept the terms upon which the universe operates and is no longer genuinely troubled by its paradoxes and injustices.

Depression is “nakaka-pangit.” So if you want to be beautiful, start being grateful and forgive. Being more positive radiates beauty and the people around you can’t help but say, “ang ganda mo na!” 

Energy that Heals

What would a hopeless ice cream cake-addict depressive like me do when everything is turning into the darkest shade of blue and the smallest things bring in the waterworks like an angry storm that shows no sign of stopping?


I consented to lie on my back on a pink yoga mat while a CD on classical music plays in the background and a reiki practitioner friend did the "rituals" of a reiki healing session. 


It all started with a session a year ago with the same friend who had just been newly-certified as a reiki healer. Reiki is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing. It is administered by laying on hands and is based on the idea that if an unseen "life force energy" is low, then we are more likely to get sick or feel stress, and if it is high we are more capable of being happy and healthy.


Given my expert skill in hiding under the covers while successfully turning deaf to the shrill sound of my alarm clock without feeling any trace of guilt for blowing off work yet again, while the rest of the world are rushing to and fro to meet life head-on, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that my "life force energy" (whatever that is) is low.


And once you're realized that taking into heart Jessica Zafra's Top 12 Reason NOT to get out of bed (which is: If you go out you might meet someone interesting. If you meet someone interesting you might fall in love. If you fall in love you will suffer. Don't suffer. Stay in bed.) is no longer beneficial to your dwindling financial resources you allow yourself to wander aimlessly into anything that promises salvation from dark nights and even darker days.


One such promise came from a friend who successfully convinced me to give reiki healing a try. She's been diagnosed with bipolar mood disorder and has stopped taking medications after getting reiki treatments. She said that she has healed from bipolar and now lives with a kind of inner peace that she never knew was possible. 


And so there I was lying on the pink yoga mat.


After the first session I felt lighter and less tired. This is always the case after I get a reiki treatment. 


The second time, my colds that had been bothering me for weeks had disappeared.


On my third session, I came in angry and sad having learned that a guy I was dating had decided that he preferred to be with my batch mate in high school whose chest measurement is larger than her brains. Surprisingly, after the 45-minute reiki session, the anger and the sadness melted away. I was ready to forgive and let go. Just like that. 


My recent last four reiki treatments had likewise proved beneficial: I no longer felt the need for sleeping pills and most importantly, I am managing well without anti-depressants. I now sleep well at night, I don't feel tired easily, and it's no longer difficult for me to "bounce back" from discouraging events in my life. I now have enough energy to accomplish items on my to-do list, chase dreams, and work on goals that I have put off in a very long time. Whatever negative emotions that I always carry with me is now replaced with gratefulness,  for friends who say all the bad words that I cannot bring myself to say about men who prefers the dumb blonde over the sensible brunette, for chocolate cakes with thick custard filling in the middle eaten guiltlessly, for Friends reruns on t.v., for books that provide happy distractions, and for life, with all of its wonderful complexities. 


There is nothing more that I can say but "thank you, reiki". Thank you to the Divine Energy that heals.